Gratitudes: Self and Others¶
Overview¶
Survivors of childhood trauma often carry a deeply internalized critic that relentlessly catalogues failures and deficits while dismissing or erasing evidence of worth, capability, and connection. The gratitude exercises in this toolbox directly counter that pattern by building a structured, written record of real experiences — what you have done, who you have been, who has shown up for you. Done regularly and honestly, this practice rebuilds a sense of self that the critic has spent years dismantling.
Quick Reference
- Work on these outside of flashbacks — the critic is loudest when you are activated
- Resist all-or-none thinking — something counts if it is generally true, not only when perfect
- Ask someone you trust to help you fill in blind spots the critic has hidden from you
- The "Others" list dismantles the outer critic's lie that everyone is as dangerous as past caregivers
- Aim for twelve entries per category — the stretch itself is part of the healing
- These are living documents, not tests to pass once
Self-Gratitudes: 12 Categories¶
The self-gratitude chart is a self-esteem building exercise built around twelve domains of a person's life. The aim is to generate twelve real entries in each category — not idealized achievements, but genuine examples. A thing counts if it is true of you a good portion of the time.
1. Accomplishments¶
Things you have completed, created, or seen through — at any scale. The critic tends to discount these entirely or demand they meet an impossible standard before they qualify. They count as they are.
2. Traits¶
Qualities of character you carry — kindness, persistence, curiosity, sensitivity, humor, reliability. Many survivors struggle to name these because they were not reflected back by caregivers. This list begins to rebuild that mirror.
3. Good Deeds¶
Acts of care, generosity, or service you have offered to others. These do not have to be grand. Consistent small acts of decency over a lifetime add up to something real.
4. Peak Experiences¶
Moments of aliveness, joy, connection, beauty, or mastery — times when you felt genuinely present and engaged with life. These experiences are evidence of a self that can feel good.
5. Life Enjoyments¶
Activities, places, foods, practices, or sensations that bring you genuine pleasure. Recognizing what you enjoy affirms that your desires and preferences matter.
6. Intentions¶
The values and commitments you hold, even when you fall short of them. Good intentions are not nothing — they are a meaningful part of who you are.
7. Good Habits¶
Practices you have built or maintained that support your wellbeing, your work, your relationships, or your growth. These are evidence of agency and care for yourself.
8. Jobs¶
Work you have done — paid or unpaid, formal or informal — that contributed something. This includes caregiving, creative work, volunteer roles, and survival-level work during hard periods.
9. Subjects Studied¶
Areas of learning you have pursued out of interest, necessity, or love. Intellectual and creative curiosity is worth claiming.
10. Obstacles Overcome¶
Hardships, setbacks, and losses you have moved through. Surviving trauma itself belongs here. The fact that you are here and working on recovery is evidence of extraordinary resilience.
11. Grace Received¶
Moments of unexpected help, luck, beauty, or support that arrived when you needed it. Noticing these counters the inner critic's insistence that nothing good has ever come your way.
12. Nurturing Memories¶
Memories of being cared for, comforted, or genuinely seen — by a person, an animal, a place, or an experience. These memories are real even if they are few, and they belong to you.
Gratitudes About Others: 12 Categories¶
The second chart addresses a specific function of the outer critic: the defensive generalization that all people are as dangerous as the traumatizing caregivers of childhood. This protective belief made sense then; it causes isolation and hypervigilance now. The exercise works by building a concrete, specific record of people who were not harmful — who were kind, inspiring, or simply present.
The same guidelines apply: resist the all-or-none pressure to disqualify entries, and aim for twelve per category.
1. Friends — Past and Current¶
People who have been genuinely in your corner at some point in your life, even briefly.
2. Inspiring People¶
Anyone whose example has moved or motivated you — people you have known personally or encountered at a distance.
3. Inspiring Authors¶
Writers whose words have reached you, offered understanding, or helped you feel less alone.
4. School Friends¶
People you connected with during your years of education, whether or not you are still in touch.
5. Circles of Friends — Past and Current¶
Groups or communities you have belonged to — not just individuals, but the experience of being held by a social network.
6. Childhood Friends¶
People you knew and felt at ease with when you were young. They do not need to still be in your life to count.
7. Teachers¶
Adults in educational roles who saw something in you, taught you something valuable, or simply treated you with basic dignity.
8. Kindness of Strangers¶
Unexpected acts of care or help from people who owed you nothing. These moments matter and deserve to be remembered.
9. Pets and Animals¶
Animals who have offered comfort, companionship, or unconditional presence. For many survivors, animals were among the earliest and most reliable sources of safe connection.
10. Work Friends — Past and Current¶
Colleagues and collaborators who made a work environment more human, or who supported you during difficult professional periods.
11. Groups — Past and Current¶
Communities, clubs, support groups, teams, or gatherings that offered belonging at some point in your life.
12. Nurturing Memories From Others¶
Memories of being welcomed, warmed, or included by others — any positive relational experience that stays with you.