Self-Reparenting: Practices¶
Overview¶
Reparenting is the practice of giving yourself the love and protection you didn't receive as a child — meeting the developmental needs that went unmet during the years when your caregivers failed you. This note covers the core reparenting practices Walker describes: the self-mothering and self-fathering distinction, working with the inner child, specific affirmations to use during flashbacks, the time machine rescue operation, and how to build a reparenting committee over time. These practices form the relational backbone of CPTSD recovery, helping you move from chronic self-abandonment toward genuine self-care.
Quick Reference
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Self-mothering builds self-compassion; self-fathering builds self-protection — both are necessary
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Speak reparenting affirmations to your inner child, especially during flashbacks ("You do not have to be perfect to get my love")
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Use the time machine rescue operation to fight the helplessness that flashbacks bring — imagine going back to defend your childhood self
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Reparenting by committee: recovery doesn't require one perfect relationship — build concentric circles of safe connection, one person at a time
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The goal is a Tao of self-relating and relating to others: self-support and relational support reinforce each other
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"Inner child" is just shorthand for "the developmentally arrested part of yourself" — use whatever framing works
Core Reparenting Practices¶
1. Self-Mothering: Building Self-Compassion¶
Self-mothering means treating yourself with the unconditional positive regard a healthy early childhood would have installed. It is a deliberate refusal to abandon yourself through self-hatred or relentless self-judgment — replacing those habits with patience and genuine care.
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What it addresses: the wounds of neglect — the absence of love, warmth, and acceptance
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Core task: building the felt sense that you are lovable and deserve care, even imperfect and struggling
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Practice: Imagine creating a safe place inside yourself where your inner child is always welcome. Meet yourself there with warmth, especially when you are suffering
Self-mothering is the primary driver of self-compassion, which Walker calls "the keystone of all effective recovery."
2. Reparenting Affirmations¶
These are messages spoken from your adult self to your inner child — thought corrections that counter the toxic inner critic. They are most powerful during flashbacks, when the critic is loudest and the child part is most activated. Walker recommends speaking them as though directly addressing your younger self.
Key affirmations include:
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"I am so glad you were born."
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"You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection."
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"All of your feelings are okay with me."
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"You can make mistakes — they are your teachers."
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"You can know what you need and ask for help."
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"You can come to me whenever you're feeling hurt or bad."
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"I am always glad to see you."
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"I am very proud of you."
The principle behind them: "thoughts are as powerful as electric batteries — as good for you as sunlight is, or as bad for you as poison." Reparenting affirmations replace the parental voice that ran on poison.
3. Self-Fathering and the Time Machine Rescue Operation¶
Self-fathering addresses the wounds of helplessness — growing up unable to defend yourself from abuse or parental power. Where self-mothering heals neglect through compassion, self-fathering heals abuse through assertiveness and a felt sense of being protected.
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What it addresses: the wounds of abuse — powerlessness, fear of authority figures, inability to self-protect
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Practice area: assertiveness skills, learning to confront internal and external abuse, standing up for your own rights
The time machine rescue operation is a self-fathering visualization technique:
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Imagine that if time travel were ever possible, you would go back and intervene in your own childhood abuse
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Tell your inner child what you would do: "I'll call 911. I'll stop them from hitting you. I'll do anything you want to protect you."
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Finish by reminding your inner child that he or she now lives in the present with you — where you have a strong adult body, self-protection skills, allies, and legal protections
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The goal is to provide an exit from fear and shame; it can even bring moments of relief or lightness
When you consistently show up to defend your inner child through this kind of practice, the child part gradually feels safe enough to allow spontaneity, playfulness, and aliveness to return.
4. Reparenting by Committee¶
No single person can meet all the reparenting needs that went unmet in childhood — and expecting them to is a setup for disappointment. Walker's concept of reparenting by committee reframes the goal: instead of finding one relationship that gives you everything, you build a network of concentric circles of connection, each contributing something.
The committee structure might look like this:
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Inner circle: a small number of people (perhaps 3-5) with whom nothing is too vulnerable — a partner, a therapist friend, a long-term close friend
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Second circle: people from the past whose care you still draw on in imagination, even if you rarely see them; deceased loved ones can belong here
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Third circle: healthcare providers, colleagues, people with whom contact is reliable and warm but not deeply vulnerable
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Outer circles: neighbors, acquaintances, kind strangers — people who contribute to a general sense of belonging
The committee begins with just yourself plus one other safe person. It grows slowly, one friendship at a time. Even people encountered only in books can function as early committee members — authors who encourage self-worth can initiate the reparenting process before in-person connection feels safe.
5. The Tao of Self-Relating and Relating to Others¶
Deep recovery operates as a dynamic balance — a yin/yang interplay — between self-care and relational care. Neither alone is sufficient.
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Relational work heals the original wound of family abandonment
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Self work heals the self-abandonment that developed when the child had no choice but to imitate his parents' neglect of him
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Each feeds the other: becoming more self-supportive makes it easier to attract and receive support from others; receiving support from others builds the internal foundation for greater self-support
The practical consequence: the more consistently you practice self-care, the less time you spend in automatic self-abandonment. Over time, self-care becomes a habit that is harder to lose. Recovery is not a linear replacement of one by the other — it is an ongoing oscillation that gradually raises the floor on both sides.